I was Shanda Eileen Shaffer, and now I am an Angel.   I came into your world on July 23rd, 1972 at the Portsmouth, Virginia ~ Naval Hospital.  I was almost 3 when we moved from Chesapeake, VA and   I always told everyone, I wanted to eventually go back and live in Virginia, but I will never be able to do that now. 

      When I was about 12, I got the stupid notion in my head that "You Had To Be Thin ~ To Be In". Well, what all my friends and others did not realize ~ I was very active in sports.   Like I just loved to play basketball, [I played a mean game of 1 on 1 and usually won] softball and Loved running on the Everett PA High School track team. Ok, sure ~ like I was not a dainty little flower.   I had an "Athletic" body and was I ever in good physical shape. You can see that in the 1984 photo of  Mom,  Eddie and I.    I had to be to "Physically Fit" to participate in all the sporting events.   

      Did I ever enjoy running circles around some of the boys on the basketball courts!  :-) And, believe or not, I was in the school Chorus. {Was even told I had a real Good Voice} Because I was Athletic, my body needed the fuel to keep it going, so like I was eating the food fuel my body needed. Well, that eventually led to people around me saying: "Why Do You Eat So Much ~ Aren't You Afraid Of Getting Fat!" -and- "You Sure Are A Big Girl For Your Age" ~ and I could go on and on. 

     What I didn't realize at the time was, I began to let "What Others Said" ~ get to me, you know like - inside my head. To "FIT IN" I began to think "You Have To Be Thin To Be In" ~ like to fit in with the other kids my age that didn't participate in sports or anything.  Alls they wanted to do was like. "Gossip about ~ just about anyone and Hanging out. That is when I began to think of food as an Enemy. It was making me "Fat" so I would not be able to "Fit In".  

      It wasn't long before the "Athletic Body" gave way to "A Thin ~ In Body".  The problem was, it didn't stop there and I got thinner and thinner, and I just couldn't or didn't want to stop. I could or  wouldn't eat as "Food" was now an enemy.   If I ate, I'd gain weight and gaining weight meant I would not "Fit In" anymore. Thus the onset of "Anorexia" a word I detested as I knew everyone who was referred to as "Anorexic" was sick in the head, and I wasn't sick in the head, I just wanted to fit in. 

     Anyway, as I was living with my Mom and brother Eddie [in Everett, PA] after Mom  and Dad   were divorced in 1978.  Dad was in Kent, Ohio attending Kent State University getting some kind of a degree in flying or aerospace something or other.    Because of the college courses, Dad would fly a Cessna 172  [or any plane available] into Bedford, PA airport  to pick me up and we would fly back to Ohio ~ now that was really a cool trip.   

     It sometimes took two hours to make the flight from Bedford to Kent [depending on the weather] so I had plenty of time to watch and listen to what was said when we were flying.  During our 8th trip,  Dad even had me flying the plane and that was really COOL. [of course Dad's hands weren't totally off the yoke ~ that's what the planes steering wheel is called]     Anyway, Dad and I didn't  spend much time together and I was pretty much able to hide the " Eating Thing" ~ as I would refer to it.  However, when I was 15 that changed. 

     For my 16th birthday, I went to real cool place Amman ~ Jordan with my Dad and spent almost the whole month of July 1988 there. Was that ever an exciting ~ interesting COOL trip.  You will see a photo of me taken on the balcony of my room [1514] at the Regency Hotel ~ I think it use to be a Sheraton Hotel at one time ~ It was during that trip that Dad began to pick up on my not wanting to eat.  I always ordered toast and soup and the toast had to be burnt and I do mean  "Burnt Toast” it was burnt black.   You must know by now that by not eating much of anything, I was tired a lot and spent much of my time at the hotel, even though I met many of the family's of people Dad knew there.   Ali Hanania, son of Dads friend was like a big brother to me, and wanted me to go to dances and some sightseeing trips, but I was usually to tired.  I did get to swim in the Dead Sea, now that was really cool.  There is no way one can drown in that sea.  It is so full of salt that you just float.  Just lay back and get your tan.  We also went to the ancient city of Jarrash, that also is a cool place.   

     It is an old Roman city that was only discovered in the early 1950's when they were building a new road.  There are all these high - like 60 foot tall pillars made of huge round blocks of stone.   Ali, put a little stick and a coin in between the large blocks of stone the pillars are made and then said, "Watch the coin!" It was truly amazing, the coin slowly moved up and down. Why?  That is because the pillars actually move from the wind hitting them - but it is ever so slight, using the stick and coin is the only way to see it.  Neat huh...  We didn't get to one of the most really beautiful cities, Petra ~ which I do regret.  Petra is where the last scenes of the move Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade were filmed.   The next, time you see the movie, look at the credits, it is there.    

     After a month in Jordan, I was really one skinny person when we arrived back in Kent, Ohio.  The day after arriving back in Kent, Dad took me to the medical center where the "Anorexia" word was finally stamped on me.  As I was starving my body, my body was pulling protein from my muscle tissue and the doctor told me ~ in front of Dad ~ I was really close to causing damage to my kidneys.  Well you can guess the effect that had on me.  I look in the mirror and see a fat person, and here is this doctor saying I am so skinny that my kidneys are going to fail.  Who was I to believe, the mirror ~ my mind or this doctor.  To get Dad off my butt, I began to eat a little more, not much ~ just enough as to much food would make me throw up.  After all, food is the enemy ~ right?! 

     As I had to go to school, I was enrolled at Kent's Roosevelt High School.  Well, that was not a good experience as all the kids I knew were in Everett and all these new kids were like different.  I just didn't seem to fit in or didn't want to fit in.    As a result, the 3.9 Grade Point Average  I had at Everett dropped like a rock to 2.9  and lower, and Dad knew something was wrong.  As I didn't really want to talk about it, Dad made arrangements for the both of us  to see  a counselor, of course at separate times.  

     What came out of those sessions with the counselor was ~ I loved both my Mom and Dad and Brother Eddie and wanted us all to live together.  That however, I knew would never happen ~ though one can dream, can't they? 

     I also missed all the friends I grew up with, in Everett ~ even though some made fun of me, I still missed them and I missed the school ~ track team, choirs ~ all that stuff, yah know!   I didn't want to hurt my Dad's feelings by saying how much I missed everyone ~ everything in Everett and really wanted to be back there, but ~ Dad knew and thus began the yo-yoing moves between homes - schools.

     In the spring of 1989 Dad moved from Kent to his old hometown Auburn, NY to be closer to Gram and Grandpa [who I am now with].  The old home needed some repairs and Gram was having trouble with Grandpa - Alzheimer's disease was setting in and Grandpa was really getting to be a hand full for Gram to take care of.  Well, it wasn't long before I moved to Auburn and that sure didn't go over well with Mom. But I just had to get away; you know, the excitement of being in the big City - right. Like Auburn was 5 times larger than Everett.  Besides, at the age of 16 - everyone "Knows what they want, and what is "Best" for them, Right?  Not! 

     What everyone wants is freedom and acceptance ~ problem was I and I am sure many - many others were and are "Clueless" as to what life really is about.  As my G.P.A. began to slide and "Relationship Problems" began to get a hold of me the more I would use food as a  some kind of tool for and against myself at the same time.  I knew I had to eat, but I also knew it would make me fatter than the fat person I saw every time I looked into the mirror.  You know, that is one of the hardest things to get others to understand.   What I saw reflected in the mirror is not what others saw, when they would look at me, and I am sure that is the same with anyone. 

                     ~~~Mirror ~ Mirror on the Wall ~ The toughest Critic of Them All~~~

                                       I look into you and what do I see? 

                                                  The Inner - not Outer - Person looking back at me!

                       How profound those words are if one only stops and grasps their true meaning.... I did not see the person in the photo's on these clouds - that everyone else saw - I was totally messed up on the inside...as most Anorexic - Bulimic people are........ 

       How many people go through life not truly understanding the true person within?  Not being able to deal with their inner conflicts, as we are so intent on trying to please everyone else, we hide our inner self from others, yet even worse - from ourselves.

     The move to Auburn was my escape into the real world.  I was able to get things like a car of my own and freedom to basically do whatever I wanted.  I was quite skillful at getting whatever I wanted, from Dad.  At the time, Dad was trying to take care of me, Gram & Grandpa and do business in the Middle East.  That meant Dad was traveling a lot and I took advantage of it.  However, things began to get real rough for Dad when Gram passed away in 89.  It was then that we learned what Gram had been dealing with for over 10 years, Grandpa had Alzheimer's  and she really did not  want anyone to know.  That really explained all the weird things Grandpa use to do, like - drive off with the car and come walking home and forget he took the car somewhere.  Caring for Gramps and coping with his worsening Alzheimer's  condition  - in itself - would fill up one of my clouds.

     Sure, I had a lot of fun living in Auburn and somewhat active social life, but the important thing - school grades, really suffered.   While I should have been on the deans list and ready for college - I had my mind made up that I was first going out on my own.  I just hated anyone telling me - "You Have To Do This or That" and going to college would mean I would have to study - or else. 

     I wanted a life.  I wanted to be Loved.  I wanted to have someone Love - ME - as Shanda, a woman... That wasn't too much to ask, was it?  After all that is what most every woman wants and needs?  There was one big problem though - how do I hide all the evidence of my purging from someone who would come over? 

I have chosen to stop at this point as to go further with her story just causes to much pain.

If you have or know someone with a Eating Disorder please get help by clicking here     

                        I finally found my buddies - aren't they just so adorable. As we walk around the clouds ~ watching over everyone.  Please do take care ~ be safe and be kind to one another....

                                                                   

There goes Precious - she came to be with me and Razu. and she loves chasing butterflies. too...Hee Hee...

Thanks Eddie & Rhonda for taking care of her for me...  Both ~ Bunches....

          Question?  When was the last time you gave your children or one another a Hug and said ~ "I Love You"...........  Think about it... 

Here are links to my clouds 

              

                       

                               

                        Visitors since Oct 10, 1999